I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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