i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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