Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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