yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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