YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
