Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
