i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
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It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole