Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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