I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
