Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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