and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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