theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
