I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
