I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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