Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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