I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
