I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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