At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
