you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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