Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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