Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
