I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
