I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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