some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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