Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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