I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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