you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
