I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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