He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
