OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
