the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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