Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
