May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
