I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
