boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
