who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
