Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
