Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
