I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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