You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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