update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
