i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
