I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
