Im at strip club and am horny
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
