i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
wow bdsm is so cute
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