cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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