Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
