were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
