i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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