if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
