just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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