my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
