My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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