I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
