Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
