I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
