He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
