i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just had sex bonerless
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich