You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.