I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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