last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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