Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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