Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im about as happy as oj after his trial
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
